心理学英语高手请进,帮忙翻译一段笑话!谢谢!

心理学英语高手请进,帮忙翻译一段笑话!谢谢!
Hello. Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline

If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.

If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.

If you are anxious, just start pressing numbers at random.

If you are phobic, don't press anything.

If you are anal retentive, please hold.

这是我在网上看到的笑话，一个心理热线的电话提示音。

但我有 些不太明白，请高手帮忙翻译，谢谢！

专家指导：

如果你有强迫妄想症请重复按1
如果你是依赖性人格，请让别人为你按2
如果你有多重人格，请按3456
如果你有偏执妄想症，我们知道你是谁，请别挂断，我们会打回给你
如果你有精神分裂症，请仔细聆听，你就会听到有细微的声音告诉你该按那个键
如果你有躁郁症，请随便按吧，反正不会有人回的
如果你有焦虑症，请随即按
如果你有性变态，请什么都被按

最后一句不懂，LZ啊我好歹一个一个字翻的很辛苦诶，多少加点分吧

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